What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 11:00
Was to survive, this bastard.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She found it foreign!.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Can you explain the difference between “mi piace” and “mi piacciono” in Italian?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
All the time i was locked up.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She married twice! .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Overthinking is killing me day-by-day. What should I do?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
How can I watch porn on TikTok?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She wouldn,t have been !
He resisted the act ,that day.
I waited trembling.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We all went to grammer schools
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She loved him until the end.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But it wasn’t much.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Would this be the day?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But, we were locked up after school.
He knew the spot.
I write beautiful poetry .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Im still living with it.
I was seconnd youngest,
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Comes on , in middle age.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Who then, do I blame.?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
When she asked me how she looked .
I couldn’t, believe it.
My family never makes their pension either.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was very sick at this time too.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
So, i spoilt her more .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I said to her
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She was in good health!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I will be 64.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I could never make a relationship work though!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
One cannot live in the past .
I was 9 years of age.
I don,t even have a pension.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And i lived it daily.
I have no regrets .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
What did i know ?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I never cut or harmed myself..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was scared of men, in general
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Put me off passion for life!!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My life is so biszare .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
This is soul school!.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Ive learnt so much.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
So whats the point in blame.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I think the readers, may guess!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
It was going to be , some day.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We were not on the streets..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.